In the face of industrial action by members of the armed forces, the government has announced that the Fire Service will, as an interim measure, carry out military operations in Iraq.

The army, who have demanded a 40% pay increase on the basis that their job has become more technical since 1945, will begin strike action next Thursday unless a compromise pay deal can be agreed.

Crack Fire Service personnel, highly trained in playing darts, brewing tea, and sliding down poles, are understood to be on standby to take up front line operations using their "red goddess" vehicles instead of tanks. They will race towards Iraqi lines and attempt to annoy the enemy into surrendering by making a lot of noise and spraying them with water.

Prime Minister Blair has already stated that the Fire Service strike last year proved that a vastly undermanned service with limited training and unsuitable equipment can perform the duties of a well-trained, well-equipped, and well-manned professional force equally as efficiently and without loss of life.

When it was pointed out that the bright red fire engines might make an easy target, Mr Blair said,"Never mind, we've got too many firemen as it is......er, is that camera running?"

Asked for his comment, Britain's partner in the coalition in the war against Iraq, US President George W Bush, said "Ooh, can I have a go on the Siren?"